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DONATE TO KEEP THE MOVEMENT GOING
Healing
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I thought about a lot of what you all have been saying to me lately. It has been very helpful so I think I need to get something off of my chest.
My soulmate and I are of no more. I'm not sure of the change. The when's, how's or why's. What I am sure of is that my heart is broken.
I sit here thinking about past times and can't help but to smile at all the fun we had. But then I think of the future, all of the plans we made and cry. Marriage, entrepreneurship, other goals. We...clicked...so...well. And for once...I was truly happy.
I would drive down the street and would just...smile...that feeling of...love...being complete...knowing that for once in my life I had made a good decision. It was a great feeling. I thought life's battles and circumstances were over. I never saw myself in this situation even though the saying is; when something is too good to be true it usually is. I felt; I deserved this! Out of everything I been through this...he...had to be my reward.
There's not a moment that goes by that I don't think of him. And granted he tried to give me closure but the thought of having to go through this pain...I pushed him away...not knowing that I needed it to...move on. We were so harsh with each other. Never sugar coating thoughts or expressions. I just didn't realize that would be our last conversation. That not only would I lose him but also a friend. Then I thought about all those conversations of us saying if we ever ended...we couldn't deal with being...friends.
Anyway, my body is forcing me to heal from this pain that I feel. Often times I wonder...what is he planting today? Which one of his beautiful flowers bloomed and is it as beautiful this year as it was last year? What magnificent pictures had he taken because he had the best eye when it came to capturing perfect moments.
Then other times I want to hate him. Hate him for lying to me about leaving. Hate him for lying about breaking my heart. Hate him so...I...can...heal! But I can't find any reason to.
He bust his ass from sun up to sun down to help me with so many things. Rather it was my business. To paint a room, fix a bike, patch a hole in the wall, move me. He was all action. I had no reason to believe things would turn out the way that they have. And honestly, it's been so long since I talked to him, looked into his eyes or kissed his lips that I can't remember much of anything besides that we last spoke some time last month.
I'm not sure why I am telling you all this. Maybe this is me moving on...or a start towards that direction anyway. He said the signs were there and I did notice but I figured he was just going through some things like we all do.
Going forward I have no idea what "The Next Adventure of Diane" leads to. Hurt...more hurt...finally a lesson learned...who knows. I'm pretty certain that i'd probably just keep to myself for awhile. I've deleted all of my social media pages besides two that I receive a lot of my business through and our black sites. I really just don't want to be bother with men and prefer to just belabeled as "damaged goods".
I have been strong since being strong was all there was. I've had to be strong from a child and now well into my adulthood which is of my own decision making so it's my own fault. But I won't be going through anything else anymore. It's not worth it. I'd rather be alone then to have "hope". Things in my life just don't have happy endings so i'd rather not. I'd rather live day to day not knowing what the next will bring nor caring. But atleast making it enough to be aware of the changes in the world. Hopefully without being bitter and angry about how unfair life has been to me.
So...if you have that special someone...make it work. Women like me...damaged goods...we don't get those happy endings. I'm too overstanding for anyone to truly want and understand me. And i'm cool with that now. I won't be persuaded this time that there is better. Not for me.
Please just read this. If you "like" it...cool. But no replys. There's really nothing you can say to uplift me. I'm used to doing things on my own...i'd rather get through this just like I have everything else...on my own. Peace & Harmony.
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